Professor Green ft. Emili Sandé's "Read all about it"

Cheer up

Waay, finally got a new track to write about. This week, Professor Green featuring the actual singing talents of Emili Sandé. I’ve never heard of her either, but on this track she certainly sounds… fine. She’s as good as all rising female pop-music singers ever get. Alright. Because like a growing number of female pop singers, she sounds the same as the majority of female pop singers (something a bit like Rihanna). Whether this is what she is trying too sound like this is another question, but I am just a bit sick and tired of this X-Factor style, pseudo-emotional, flavourless voice that dominates the charts.

I mean i'm not criticising her talents, she can without a doubt sing well, but when I listen to new music I want to hear personality, quirkiness, originality, as well as the prerequisite of talent. If this girl and Rhianna did a collaboration, it would sound as diverse as Jedward. To go one further: If this girl, Rihanna, Leona Lewis, Alexandra Burke, Nicole Scherzinger, Jamelia, Fergie and Nelly Furtado did a collaboration, it would sound as diverse as a choir of doorbells (or more frighteningly, four Jedwards).

It must be remembered however that this is not her song (although I'm guessing she was a significant collaborator), but it is Prof. Green's. Who to me sounds like a landan gangsta in the body of a chipmunk. I'm not going to dwell on my view of his style of rap, but it just isn't for me. He uses the vowel 'a' too much, and over-emphasises every syllable that comes out his mouth. An' nattin gets own ma tits more d'an silly axents from da getto brav ya get me brap brap.

Leaving the talent to one side, the track has no real unique qualities. It's one, typically pop, chord sequence that runs from beginning to end, divided into a binary structure alternating between the chipmunk and the wolf. I would of thought that a contrasting section might of added a different dimension to the track; it might have been interesting to hear Sandé lead a new theme, but Green obviously thinks differently. I really can't find much good to say about this one. Yet it's number one so what do I know.

'Read all about it' is just Britain's shitter answer to Eminem and Rihanna's 'Love the way you lie'. They are more or less musically identical. Go listen to the Eminem track here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uelHwf8o7_U&ob=av3e.

Harmonically, they are relatively identical: same typically pop chord sequence running throughout. Structurally identical: singing, rapping, singing, rapping etc. The only difference is that Eminem's track has so much more power than Green's, and I think that's regretfully due to the fact that both Eminem and Rihanna are just far more powerful performers than Green and Sandé. When you listen to both tracks one after another you really can hear how Green is trying to be Eminem, and how Sandé is trying to be Rihanna (although you can't blame her because so is everybody else).

So incase you hadn't realised by this point, not really a fan of this weeks number one. I would love to try and pick out some decent points about the track... honest. But there is really nothing that has impressed me this week. Same-old 'fine' talent being wasted on a same-old expressionless, duplicated backing track. Sorry Prof. Green. 'Choco-balls' don't taste as good as 'M&Ms'. Pun intended.

Disappointment-o-meter: 8.5/10

Article first published as UK X Factor: Professor Green ft. Emili Sandé 'Read All About It' on Technorati.

Rihanna ft. Calvin Harris' "We Found Love"

This doesn't work. I've tried it. You just destroy a lung.

I'm a bit late writing up this weeks entry, and I'll tell you why. I have a gift, and that gift, is the ability to foresee the future. I consciously knew that We Found Love would stay at number one for at least two weeks, and that meant that I could leave myself a bit more time. I know, impressive right? And not at all related to the busy week I had last week or the weekend I spent in Scotland.

Rihanna is one of the reasons I started this blog. So when I discovered in the pub that she is this (and last) weeks number one, I almost threw my pint across the room. What stopped my violent outburst? I read the rest of the artist name which read "ft. Calvin Harris". I was in a dilemma between complete turmoil and utter delight. Luckily, I drank my beer before I made shards of glass fly everywhere, but I really didn't know whether too laugh or cry. I've always been a fan of Calvin Harris and his funky, anthemic, retro-synth sound; I'm not alone has remained my ringtone for about a year (until recently when it was replaced by the beautiful Lippy Kids by the wonderful Elbow). And then at the other end of the disappoint-o-meter scale is Rihanna, who's music just aches my ears. Rihanna is more common than a cold, and like a cold she just won't go away. This will be her sixth UK number one single, which means she now has more UK number one's than David Bowie and The Police (among others, but these two are favourites of mine). I would find this a tragedy, but when I actually listened to the track I wouldn't dare be so harsh.

First of all the songs in F-Sharp Major, which although probably isn't note-worthy in a review, it is my favourite key.... so there. It opens straight away with its first admirable hook from an organ-esque synth, shortly followed by Rihanna who sings an ingeniously catchy melody accompanied by simple, but fitting and effective lyrics. In fact, there is something about the ambiguity of the verses and the choice of certain words which I find quite evocative, so thumbs up for the lyrics (which is a very rare thing when it comes to pop songs).

When the beat kicks in, the track definitely achieves its ambitions to be euphoric-anthem material. It's packed full of energy from beginning to end, will guarantee clubbers around the world that much-needed sense of euphoric-bliss that makes the experience so satisfactory. No, I can't believe I'm praising a Rihanna track so much either, but that's because it's not really a Rihanna track, it's a Calvin track. The thing is Calvin all over, but it's taken from Rihanna's upcoming studio album, so don't be fooled by the artist name because its actually "Calvin Harris ft. Rihanna". For this reason, I am allowed to love it. To be fair, her voice does give a bit more beauty to the track and without it the track may not have the same impact; if the rest of her album follows the same style as this one, I may well turn to the dark side.

I think this is my nicest review to date, I feel a bit woozy. One thing that I did feel when I first listened to it is that the whole track is basically one idea and there is no variation in thematic material, which is a bit musically lazy and monochromatic. But this sort of dance music doesn't really need to be any more than one idea really. To use a crap old saying, too many chefs spoil the broth (the chefs being musical ideas... yeah it's definitely crap). So to conclude, We Found Love is a great booming anthem, and I'de expect nothing less from the master Calvin Harris. And with it remaining at number one this week, looks like the public agree with me for a change. Nicey nice, lemon slice.

Disappointment-o-meter: 1.5/10

Sak Noel's "Loca People"

Viva la Dance Videos

This week, we've got the idiotic but undeniably catchy single, "Loca People" apparently by some Spanish guy called Sak Noel. Nope I've never heard of him either. Possibly because this is his first ever chart single. Considering that it is his first ever chart single he's done brilliantly, making it to number one in 5 European countries and going platinum, that's right PLATINUM, in Denmark... which to be fair is the equivalent of making it through boot camp in our X Factor.

There seems to be a trend of niche dance music using this very dry "um-pa um-pa um-pa" rhythm, and to be honest it somehow makes things extremely catchy. The last example I can remember that just would not go away for about a month was Yolanda Be Cool & Dcup with "We Speak No Americano" (and if their ridiculous eurotrash group and track name hasn't given you any clues here's a link). In fact, the two songs are suspiciously similar to each other. The dried out "um pah" drums with a simple melody (if you can call it that) made up of two alternating notes make up the main sections of both tracks, and both singles get an interruption of an excerpt from their corresponding ambiguous and seemingly unrelated sample tracks at the same point in both songs (just before the section repeats). So, "Um-Pa" rhythm, unusual and unrelated samples, very simple and minimal melody. HMMMMMM. Is this possibly part of a formula that guaranties a dance hit? I am very tempted to have a go at making my own and see how it turns out... watch this space.

Despite its formulaic structure and lack of depth, I can't help but like it. In fact, the reason why I am so late publishing this post this week is because I knew that I liked the song and so far I've just been a miserable arse, and I find it a lot harder to write about things that I actually like. Honestly, it's impossible not too like it. It has a European cheese factor that can't help but make you smile, thanks to possibly the most brainless woman to ever walk the earth. I have no idea what made Sak decide that what the track was missing was some dumb bint who talks like she's been living in a cave for the first twenty years of her life, but whatever, it works. Although, you could probably replace her "monologue for the people" with excerpts from Mein Kampf and clubbers would be none the wiser, as long as it's read in a sexy accent (god forbid). Oh and by the way, incase you were wondering what "Johnny, la gente esta buy loca!" actually means, the translation roughly comes across as "Johnny, my gentleman area be crazy!". No Joke. Okay, it is.

So wouldn't you believe it! I like this week's number one! See, I'm not all doom and gloom. I would much rather hear this in a club than the constant stream of Rhianna and Derpstep that is commonplace these days. At least this has a little bit of quirkiness to it instead of the uninteresting, unoriginal bollocks that usually makes it to the number one spot. Usually I would say that this is a classic one-hit wonder, but seeing as this is Sak Noel's only release as yet, and a very successful one at that, perhaps is may be the first of many catchy euro-pop hits, which I personally can't get enough of. UK dance music should take a page from the book of euro-pop and try and make the music more fun. Daft, but well-executed tracks have a much bigger appeal than ones that take themselves to seriously (see last weeks post), and this is a prime example of a track that isn't trying to be anything else other than what it actually is, fun and stupid eurotrash.

Disappointment-o-meter: 3/10

Dappy's "No Regrets"

The fact I'm slightly hungover writing this isn't going to help me be that nice, but hey ho. One-man-twatarmy Costadinos Contostavlos, known to his mates as Dappy, has gone solo and made it straight to number one with the self-indulgent memoir "No Regrets". The song is basically about himself, how he's made it from "Some kid in Camden" to "Richard Branson" and that he's sorry for all the bad stuff he's done in the past; basically the same topic as 90% of all other rap-based music. It seems from the lyrics that Dappy is making a promise to himself and the public that he's going to be a good lad from now on and stop acting like a 12 year old chav and doing idiotic things like smoking a dooby (presumably a dappy dooby) at Alton Towers, spitting in women's faces, and sending angry text messages to single mothers.

"Your gonna die. U sent a very bad msg towards Ndubz on The Chris Moyels show yesterday Morning and for that reason u will never be left alone!!! u say sorry I will leave u alone u ****."

However, he does seem to have calmed down in his latest song. Much calmer than some of his earlier hits where he can be seen just angrily ranting about people being richer than him whilst punching rich people in the face (Love For My Slums) but then I'm sure that plenty of other rap artists have done the same thing. Rappers always seem to be either complaining or gloating. Maybe I wouldn't mind the music so much if they didn't wave all their problems and/or bitches and ho's in front of my face. So anyway, lyrically the song is as shite to me as all other rap songs, moaning moaning moaning. Although, I did like how he managed to sneak in the line "I'm a prince...Yes I will... Get the crown / Kate stays in my dungeon when her sister's round".

Surprisingly, Dappy's voice isn't too bad in "No Regrets", I'de say he doesn't sing enough. The final bridge section is a breath of fresh air from the intensely urban rap verses, and when the gospel choir enters in the final chorus it's actually got a warm quality that I'm fond of. It's not really the track that I dislike, it's just that the whole genre has gone stale. Music should make you feel something, whether it's appreciation, sadness, motivation or whatever, but I get nothing from this genre, and I suspect I'm not alone. If I had my way, rap would stay in the 80's, 90's and early 00's where it was more fun. These days it's trying to flourish as a new form of poetry, but any evocativeness or expression that is written in the lyrics is drowned by a sea of bullshit street noises, unintelligible ranting and bitches and ho's. Singing does the job of expressing emotion just fine, I can't help but feel that rap is just a way of keeping all the knobheads of the world occupied so that they don't start smashing shop windows and shanking some bitches and ho's. They'll call it self-expression, I call it self-distraction.

Regardless of my feelings towards rap, this is a definite improvement from the days of N-Dubz. Going mainstream should turn out to be a great career move as long as he doesn't harass any more women. Putting up with his music is a small sacrifice to be made in order to keep Dappy from causing havoc on the streets. We should all be using the gift of rap to help fight crime really. If you see a hooded yob spray painting his name under a bridge, approach him, take off his hood, stick a funny hat on him, lay down a sick beat, and call him something stupid like J-Blud or Triple K. Wouldn't recommend that last one if he's black though...

Disappointment-o-meter: 7/10

One Direction's "What Makes you Beautiful"

Now that the boys have got bored of their Nintendo DS's, X Factor bronze medallists One Direction have decided to write a song about a girl who is really really beautiful but also doesn't realise that she is. What Makes you Beautiful is obviously designed to make all teenage girls in a 5 mile radius to go either go weak at the knees or scream, and I'm sure it does so successfully.

It's difficult to write about music that isn't aimed to appeal to you,  it's like trying to review processed chicken dinosaurs. The meat is barely meat, it looks like some sort of dried up sea creature and to most grown-ups it tastes the way it looks. But no matter how hard you convince a child that it's terrible, they just want to eat more and more. So I guess the fairest way to review it would be to put myself in the shoes of a 14 year old girl.

As well as the boys being super-cute, you can tell that they're good guys because in the song they talk about liking this super-lucky girl not based on the way she looks but on her personality. This means that Niall, Zayn,  Liam, Harry and Louis are not just really hot, but they care about the girl and want to boost her confidence and make her feel really really good about herself, which is really nice. Oh yeah, and the song is really catchy. But I definitely want Zayn to be my boyfriend.

Okay, now to review it the unfair way.

It is catchy, and I have had to resist the urge to sing along to it's sugar-coated chorus. There's something about the way new pop music is recorded that makes it sound almost too clear and sharp. When I loaded it up on YouTube it sounded like glitter was being sucked into my ears. This quality is made even more prominent by the ever-popular apocalyptic saw-y synth that grinds away in the background of the chorus, accompanied distorted guitar, creating a sound reminiscent to a wasps nest.

It is full of energy, the performance of the lads brings that out well. The song always seems to sound loud even when the volume's turned down, partly due to the fact that One Direction only have one volume and partly due to the piercing clarity of the recording. The clapping and na-na-na-ing bridge section is alright, I'm a fan of not having to remember lyrics, plus it creates that much needed sense of unity in the crowds that they perform too where everybody claps, smiles and shouts. However this is let down by the auto-tune solo that proceeds it. I hate auto-tune. I would much rather hear an uncertain wobbly voice than a sexy microsoft sam. The invention of it has opened up the world of pop music to any tits-for-brains. 

It's got a very electric sound to it, listening to it so many times to write this has given me a slight tension headache. At times the texture just sounds so blisteringly busy and intense that your head might explode, but I suppose this is where its energy is coming from which will appeal to easily excitable kiddywinkles. 

I mean I'm trying to pick holes in the song but I don't think there are many to me. I don't like the song, but then why should I? I don't like chicken dinosaurs, but then why should I? It does it's job well, and it is a good start to One Direction's career. If it's on the radio, I'm not going to rush over and kick it off my desk. It's another average hit that sounds average, but not awful. Whether One Direction will survive past this debut is a question that only time can answer, I can't think of any other British-Irish pubescent boybands so it might be that One Direction are here to stay. Sorta hope not though. 

Disappointment-o-meter: 5/10. 

Alright.

I've got a complicated relationship with music.

It's funny how you can love something so much that churns out so much stuff you hate. Pop music in this day and age makes me feel incredibly old (and I'm 19). I really can't remember the last number one that I thought "I think I might buy this" rather than "Fucking hell, again?" or "They've just nicked an 80's riff and rapped over it" or "A monkey could of wrote this whilst throwing shit at his mate". I do try not to be a cynical person because people that are tend to make me cringe, but this probably won't rub off on the blog.

I've always fancied blogging but I never knew what I would write about if I had a go. Then I heard on the radio last week that One Direction's What Makes you Beautiful was number one (which I will have a bash at reviewing after I finish this introduction thing), and I thought "reviewing stale, formulaic, mock-emotional organised noise might be a good idea" (I'm not cynical, honest). So there you go. The idea of the blog is that each week I will review the current number one. Although a lot of the reviews will probably turn out as a rant, this isn't what I want. I want to be able to praise the number one single and say why I think it's great, but that's probably not going to happen very often. You never know.

So now you know what it's about let's get started with some teeny-tiny pop group called One Direction.